The following set of words contains potential plot spoilers for Season 6 Episode 2 of Game of Thrones and should not be read by anybody who isn’t up to speed with such a high profile show and is actually dumb enough to not see what was already coming several miles off.
Media outlets run on stories. They need stories, that’s how they stay in business. So when they don’t have stories, or want to push a particular agenda, they have to invent stories. I, however, am not the mainstream media. I’m a solitary bloke sitting in a bedroom tapping words onto a screen because I have nothing else to do with my Tuesday night. Moreover, I’m probably the only person I’m writing this for, which basically means I’m reminding myself of my own thoughts on matters without any desire to convince myself that I should believe what I’m saying.
If you happen to be reading this and you’re not actually me, please don’t feel obliged to agree with any of the following. Instead, you may picture a grown man sitting in a corner, quietly mumbling to himself whilst rocking ever so slightly back and forth. Pay no attention to him, he’s beyond your help.
Back to the main point, the media and news outlets like making shit up, blowing things out of proportion and generally creating stories where there are none. I’ve noticed three such examples in the last week or so, and you know what that means, dear me? Oh yes, it’s time for another triptych-style blog post to put things into chunks, like a Simpsons Hallowe’en Special. Except unlike a Simpsons Hallowe’en Special, it’ll probably be less coherent and lacking in comedy.
(Also, that reminds me. Note to yourself, me: after this, you should watch Treehouse of Horror VI, it has the one where Homer gets rendered in full 3D and destroys his Matrix-style surroundings with a cone.)
Anyway, the preamble of this is getting far too long. Allow me to present each of my findings in true, tabloid editorial headline style:
POLICE BLAME PEOPLE FROM ANOTHER CITY FOR TRAGEDY CAUSED BY POLICE
Let’s clear up something first: I can’t create anything humorous from tragedy, nor would I even want to. I may, however, be able to mock or sneer at conservatively-biased news outlets.
1989 was by and large a bad year. For example, I came into the world. For another example, so did Taylor Swift. Even worse though, lots of people went to watch a game of football and didn’t make it home again. Even even worse, the real causes of people’s deaths and the injuries of many others took nearly three decades to be decided by an impartial jury. Until then, we just had to rely on newspapers to let us in on what transpired.
Having grown up around the Merseyside area for pretty much all of my childhood, it’s been instilled into my brain that what happened in Hillsborough was a cover up and general smear tactics used by the conservative media against the city of Liverpool. That’s why I wasn’t wholly surprised by last week’s verdict. It was only after that point that I realised how (probably) the rest of the country wasn’t as enlightened. As it turns out, someone had criticised and even demonised the victims because, you know, they’re from Liverpool. One particular media establishment believed that and reported it publicly because, you know, they’re from Liverpool. General everyday folk read such reports and thought “well I suppose that’s true” because, you know… Liverpool.
Speaking in broad, general terms, people from not Liverpool (probably) think that people from around Liverpool are simple cave people, positively Neanderthal in the way they huddle around fires, eat with their unwashed hands and club each other over the head. And as much as that sounds like a fun weekend over here, very few of this lot really consider it a way to make a steady living. Ultimately, all of us are human beings trying to get through this collective human experience in one piece with little hassle.
It’s because of this that I find anti-Liverpudlian slurs quite unsettling. Well it’s that, plus the fact that the people who tend to make such slurs have most likely never even been to Liverpool. Then again, people from Liverpool have most likely never been to the surface of The Sun, but are still quick to slag it off. I suppose that leads to a nice metaphor the news media could use… something about not looking directly at The Sun. I don’t know, needs fine tuning.
GIRL SHARES POST ON FACEBOOK TWO YEARS AGO
Again, let’s start with some clearing up of stuff. I’ve not picked a side on the Israel/Palestine kerfuffle – quite frankly I just hope the two sides can one day come to peaceful resolution together without all the constant jibes and sniping… and, you know, bombing.
As it turns out, a woman of Muslim descent has expressed an unfavourable opinion about Israel. Who’d have thought? Only this woman was last year elected as a political representative of her locals. She’s also a human being with a Facebook account and the capacity for impulse urges to click on things she finds interesting. Fucking weirdo, right?
One such thing she Liked or Shared or Buzzed or Whatevered contained some anti-Israeli spiel and was probably swiftly forgotten about as soon as a GIF of a tightrope-walking cat appeared directly underneath it (probably). While I don’t necessarily agree with the ideas or content contained within the Facebook post she Thinged, I don’t necessarily disagree with her right to have an opinion. I once said something angry about a delayed train but thankfully I wasn’t tied to a track soon after by a sneaky bandit in a 1920s silent movie.
The main issue I have with the whole story that was reported here comes down to one question: “why is this suddenly important now?” Not when she first shared the post two years ago. Not when she was elected into her political role one year ago. Now, in the middle of fucking nowhen, all because somebody seems to have randomly done a bit of digging through her social media history and spun it into a story.
That initial story then seems to have triggered some weird, twisted anti-Semitic domino effect, wherein everyone within the government’s opposition obviously harbours some form of hatred for the Jewish community and it’s only a matter of time before every single one is uncovered. For what it’s worth, I heard Jeremy Corbyn once walked out of a Woody Allen movie. It wasn’t because he didn’t enjoy it, or that he had an emergency to tend to, he’s obviously just a racist bastard.
POPULAR CHARACTER FROM POPULAR TV DRAMA KILLED OFF, MASS DENIAL ENSUES
Okay, let’s clear something else up. I’m not angry that Jon Snow came back from the dead (oh, that was your Game of Thrones spoiler by the way). I think it was a feat of great storytelling. Just trust the media to ruin it.
I, like many nerds, was left a bit gutted at the end of Season 5 that a fictional character had been stabbed repeatedly and left to gaze at the sky forever as pools of blood crusted up his glorious curly hair. But part and parcel of the GoT universe is seeing good and evil characters indiscriminately getting bumped off. I made my peace with it. My five stages of grief involved shock, disbelief, sorrow, acceptance and waiting patiently for Season 6.
For many others – orchestrated mainly by media outlets – those five stages became denial, denial, denial, denial and a year of heavily speculating a resurrection. Pretty much every review at the time clung on to the blind hope that their favourite character was merely just sleeping, open-eyed, in puddles of his own plasma. I shrugged this off. It’s natural to miss one of the good guys.
As the year went on, however, the speculation never let up. People never let go of the idea that the character of Juhn Snuoh would come back into play. It even got to the point of being added to the end of articles as a bizarre, non-subtle piece of non-sequitur. “‘X’ actor has been confirmed to play ‘Y’ character in Season 6. But will we find out if Jon’s really dead or not?”
My main gripe here is that if the speculation hadn’t been so heavy handed, perhaps the sudden reveal of his resurrection would’ve had more impact. Instead, what we got was a drawn out scene with an obvious conclusion I was practically counting down the seconds to. The bringing-back of a popular character should’ve been a momentous surprise, but the continued, incessant coverage of the idea firmly planted it into our collective consciousness. It’s difficult to actually be surprised by a surprise party when you can see seventeen cars parked outside your house from the end of the road.
On that point, my secondary gripe is that masses of people actually seemed surprised by it. Maybe everyone’s really, really thick, or maybe I’m just really, really clever. Either way. I don’t like it.
I never went to a rave in the 90s, but if more of them were like this, I probably would’ve cried my eyes out that under-10s weren’t allowed admission. And I’m just talking about the fella doing his best uncle-at-your-wedding dance moves and head-bobs through a door. Whether the moves are intentional or simply the manifestation of some kind of epileptic seizure remains in question. Oh yeah, there’s excessive strobe lighting in this.
If such repetitive flashing should be an issue for you, you’ll have to settle for just listening to this, but it’s okay – you’ll still get a sense of relentless repetition from just the audio. Forming some kind of strange art/dance/poetry hybrid, this swam around my brain earlier this year and has finally been granted admission to my little music club, because that’s how it feels to wait a while before being allowed to enter a club.
I don’t go out any more, and quite frankly, I don’t really want to.
Underworld – I Exhale
Jamie Walsh 
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