A carefully considered list of things I would’ve liked to have said to the lady sitting in front of me on the bus, who shot me a questionable look after I sneezed, and promptly moved seats after I subsequently sniffled.
Oh my, how rude!
Hi, excuse me? Yes you, I’m going to bring this up and make you feel bad now. Yes I know, it’s difficult isn’t it. I have a touch of the hayfever. You know how it is this time of year. I’m sure you can understand my plight.
Ohmigod, worra bitch.
Hey! It’s not like I fucking ASKED for this! And besides, you should consider yourself lucky! I’ve had it worse than this before! You should be thankful I’m not practically screaming ATCHOO down your ear twenty-seven times in quick succession!
I just pray nobody you care about suffers from hayfever.
I’m terribly sorry, they’re never normally like this. I’ll have a word with my allergic reactions and make sure it doesn’t happen again. In the meantime, can I get you a complimentary basket of breadsticks?
*move over to her seat, and speak in a mock bunged-up, dribbly voice*: Excuse me do you have a tissue please?
I’ll have you know I’m a wonderful person, and you’ve just thrown it all away Brenda! (In my mind, she can be a Brenda) We could’ve been friends, Brenda! Think about it: you and me, getting the Park & Ride in and out of town every day, sitting beside each other in total awkward silence. This could’ve been the beginning of something special. And you’ve just thrown it all away Brenda, you’ve ruined everything!
*upon disembarking the bus*: No please, after you. In fact, why don’t I hang back several paces in case I feel the need to sneeze again?
*crying hysterically*: The pollen makes me feel bad, but you made me feel even worse Brenda. Why? Why are you so mean, Brenda? Why are you meaner than pollen? Is it because we can’t make honey out of you?
Uh-oh, here comes another one. This one’s a big one. A-A-A- *move over to her seat and unleash mere centimetres from her face* -ATCHOO!
My preferred response would’ve been if she had actually succumbed to the effects of the high pollen count and sneezed where she was, to which I would’ve shrieked “How revolting!” for the whole bus to hear and run to the aid of the person sat in front of her to see if they were okay. But alas, no such opportunity arose because there’s just no justice in this world.
The music of video games often fascinates me, especially if the games are old enough to invoke a sense of nostalgia. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve hunted down YouTube videos of someone playing music from Crash Bandicoot on a piano or the Tetris theme blown on half-filled milk bottles. Even half the track list from Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 has worked its way into my psyche, despite me not having a penchant for pop punk or hip hop in them days.
The reason I mention this is because this track has invoked the nostalgic feelings reminding me of the first Spyro The Dragon game. There’s nothing in this song that specific links the two together, but certain indescribable elements of the song – maybe tones, maybe chord progressions, maybe instrumentation – seem to reflect the sounds of a colourful, low-polygon world circa 1998.
Dutch Uncles – Streetlight
Jamie Walsh 
Leave a comment