Deflation

The following sentence will probably be the most grown-up thing I’ve ever had to write. I’ve just been to see a mortgage advisor.

Despite a pleasant meeting, in-depth discussion and comfy chairs, I have to admit I’ve come away from the whole affair feeling a little deflated. It seems all that extra inflation air has gone into the housing market, leaving the average relatively poor man looking like a three-legged dog trying to win Crufts by gnawing on its own testicles and manically barking at the side of a showjumping fence.

I’ve been under no illusions that I’m in a position to buy right now, so it came as something of a surprise that I could – if I so wished – buy right now. The only downside is that I’d basically have to buy – if I so wished – something akin to a windowless crate in the middle of a field or a former crack den. Actually, no, that’s unfairly harsh to the properties I could, in theory, afford right now. But when one’s expectations have been set for a semi-detached with a driveway, everything else does look like a former crack den.

Let’s get to the overall outcome. “Basically,” said he, the mortgage advisor, “there are two ways you can aim for a higher property value. You can either…”

”Keep saving loads”

That’s really all I’m doing now, all I’ve ever been doing and all I was planning on doing for perhaps another year into the future. But even then that might not be enough to help me achieve a realistic dream, since the super handy wiz-botery of online mortgage calculators helpfully point out that the largest investment that banks would be willing to make is pretty much solely dictated by how much I earn.

I currently take home more than I ever have done in any job before, with regular pay rises having been graciously afforded to me, so all in all, I really can’t complain. Hell, I know various other close ones who perhaps don’t earn as much, and I often find myself feeling guilty about this. That said, my present income is still lower than some other more professional people on this planet, and it’s reflected in the high but not-quite-as-high-as-I’d-hope-for amount that lenders would be prepared to chuck my way. Which brings us to the second potential way I could aim for a decent value home.

”Get a pay rise”

There’s something about this phrase that elicits a sense of ‘easier said than done’ within me, while also coming across as slightly smug and arrogant. I’m sure it wasn’t intended in this way, but in my mind, it’d be akin to me saying:

“Dear Boss, how are you? etc. Anyway, here’s the thing. I want a nice house, but at the moment I can just about afford a nice crack den. In a year or maybe two I might even be able to afford a nice crack den with its own driveway. Fingers crossed. Call me insane, but I’m not sure the crack den’s gonna do it for me though, so ideally I’d need the banks to have a bit more faith in me that they can lend me more money. Therefore, I demand a pay increase of shitloads more money for basically doing exactly the same stuff I do right now. I’m sure you’ll agree with me that these terms are acceptable. Ta. Love and kisses. etc.”

Of course, I could do that – if I so wished – but I have an inkling that, not only would my request for some increase in salary be rejected, I might well find myself without employment altogether. Perhaps quicker than one can say ‘P45’.

So here I am, looking at another year or more of saving (which I more or less expected) to achieve living in a home of my own that falls short of my ideals (which I didn’t quite expect). After nigh-on four years of constant saving (terrible B-side to a k.d. lang track btw), I may feel myself become a bit more let down over the coming year(s). And in such an event, I’ll naturally assume that my deflation will directly correlate with the inflation of an already seemingly impenetrable housing market.

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“The cultural consumer is a master of his created augmented reality but a slave to whom?”

Gender-specific third-person pronoun aside, this simplified YouTube description forms the entire basis of this track – criticising a culture of people unable to differentiate their own ideal worlds from the one big real one we’re all stuck with. Naturally, I’m including it in my list of fortnightly treasures where everything I choose I believe to be gospel and everyone else should just shut up and agree with me.

Bodega – How Did This Happen!?