Upon hearing the news on Monday morning that a drunk driver had caused a fatal collision in the early hours, after driving the wrong way down a motorway, I have to admit I was kind of freaked out. Not so much by the sense that we’re all potentially moments away from having our fleeting time on this planet cut short at the hands of an atrocious dickweed; more the fact that the night before I felt the sudden pangs of paranoia that my own car would be stolen and driven the wrong way down a motorway, with innocent lives being claimed by something belonging to me. Why did I think this? Let’s scoot back a bit.
I went away for the Easter weekend, with someone else driving us there in their car. Essentially, I left my own transportation at home for the best part of four days while I went halfway across the country for family time. Seconds before departure, I felt that horrible paranoid instinct one might feel at the sudden questioning over whether or not you turned the oven off.
The procedure of locking the car, pulling the door handle (to make sure) and walking away satisfied has become so natural to me now that I hardly even realise I’m doing it. This makes it hard to remember whether I did actually lock my car the last time I parked it, especially when faced with the seconds-long intense pressure of, say, leaving it unattended on the driveway for four days.
I had hoped that I could reach for my keys and click the button whilst still in the vicinity of the driveway we sped away (I’d have to make do with the brief headlight flash – the momentary blink of acknowledgement – my car would afford me, rather than the physical pulling of the door handle to confirm it’s locked status), but alas. Away we went, down the road, inducing what effectively became the four most paranoia-laden days I’ve ever experienced, to the best of my memory.
Despite doing a fairly decent job of putting the potentially locked/not-locked car out of my mind for a bit, the weekend wasn’t without constant reminders. A theft anecdote here, a road safety advert there. All seemingly normal to someone who isn’t harbouring secret anxiety over the security status of their vehicle. Of course, my feelings went unmentioned to those around me – the longer I left it, the more ludicrous the revelation would be.
This led me to Sunday night and my lying-wide-awake-in-the-dark-trying-to-sleep time being consumed by thoughts of my car being discovered unlocked, stolen (by way of some movie-style hot-wiring magical shit) and used as a weapon in some kind of nightmarish road accident. Those before-sleep thoughts went on to conjure a story about how I’d react when I got home to an empty driveway, how I’d locate my undoubtedly now-wrecked-to-bits car, and how the claims and insurance side of things would have to play out.
At this point, my brain couldn’t be bothered any more thanks to lack of creativity when it comes to making up legal shit I don’t already have experience of. Out of apathy, boredom and I presume necessity, brain was able to shut off and let me sleep.
Upon arriving home and seeing that my car actually hadn’t mysteriously moved during my vacation, I naturally assumed that no passer-by had presumed the driveway-based car might potentially be vulnerable, and simply hadn’t bothered to try stealing it. Further physical inspection however led me to realise that, yes, the car had been locked the entire time. While I’d managed to let my feeble brain become consumed by paranoia for a prolonged period of time, I have to admit I’ve never felt more relieved to pull on a non-moving door handle.
The album crept up on me a little bit, coming out in January but only really taking hold recently. Merrill’s voice has a distinctive, raw, eccentric quality to it that’s almost tribal in shouts and chanting bits.
This song it a bit more ‘accessible’ compared to some of the weirder shit that tUnE-yArDs has become known for. Admittedly, I do like the weirder shit, but this is just as great and includes the best repetitively enunciated shoutout of the syllable “ack” I’ve heard so far in this lifetime.
tUnE-yArDs – Heart Attack
Jamie Walsh 
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